Great Inventions Of Man

October 22nd, 2014



How To Dance With A Pole

October 22nd, 2014


Pole dancing:


 Bonus Link: How to grind:



Good Morning

October 22nd, 2014


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Freak The Kids – Carve A Pepper!

October 22nd, 2014

Put a little scare back into Halloween – it’s only 9-days away! Carved orange pumpkins are so boring, the kids might fall asleep on your porch.  Use your imagination!  Hell, the night is supposed to be at least a little scary, so do some edgy stuff before the little beggars get their treats.

Hook up speakers and blast the little superheros onto your lawn with extremely loud screams and groans.  Make sure the sounds aren’t playing constantly – wait until a new group arrives before hitting ‘play’.  A hooked up microphone can really add to the fun.

Hand out wrapped candy with fake, blood-dripping hands.  Come to the door with guts hanging from your mouth. And smile – don’t make a thing of it.  Talk to people who aren’t there and act very afraid.  Crawl to the door and give out treats lying down.  Carry a shovel and put your spouse on your back – seriously ask the kids to help you bury the body.

Ask them to bow their heads a moment before getting the treats because it was exactly one-year ago that your nephew, Joe Bagadonuts, had his throat slit on this very porch. Make sure there are adequate blood stains all over the stoop.  Come to the door crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

Do you want to REALLY repulse them?  For a treat, give them an apple or carrot.

Prefer an indoor party?  Make sure you dramatically read scary Halloween stories (in the dark):

On Halloween, Arthritic Mr. Peanut …

October 22nd, 2014

Is Going As A Drunken Raisin.

“Gin soaked raisins, an ancient folk remedy for relieving arthritic pain, have been improved by the development of the DrunkenRaisin for both flavor and possible anti-inflammatory effect.  Arthritis pain caused by inflammation has long been reported to experience relief by eating 8-9 gin soaked raisins each day.  By adding honey and high quality imported cinnamon, DrunkenRaisins has raised the bar for effective relief.

Alleviating pesky and painful arthritis discomfort has never tasted better! DrunkenRaisins is happy to provide our customers with gin soaked raisins to help reduce the discomfort associated with arthritis.”

Mr. Holland’s Opus (1995) Trailer

October 21st, 2014

Kleenex coupons:

The Case FOR Voting AGAINST Incumbents

October 21st, 2014


There’s an excellent chance the same people who hold office today will be elected next month.  A huge factor is name recognition.  All those sound bytes, telephone calls, lawn signs, and negative commercials – often paid for by special interests or you – the taxpayer, – will have their desired effect.

Most of that “angry voter,” “fed up with politics,” and “throw the bums out,” stuff will melt from your minds as soon as you pull back the voting booth curtain.  Everyone has to pretend candidates really want to help and govern people but we all really know politicians are just smiling ego-maniacs who have more interest in job security (theirs) and lifetime financial gain.  More than half the “losers” get lucrative lobbyist jobs after elections.  You’re not really surprised at that, are you?

Name recognition works for me too.  On Election Day, if I recognize an incumbent candidate’s name – regardless of party – I will quickly vote for his opponent. I will be especially interested in voting for third party candidates. I figure, how can anyone different be anyone worse?

But chances are, you won’t even consider third parties.  The main stream media has done its job and programmed you into Rows A or B.  The US election machine has worked . . . again.

In fairness, I will promise you this.  I promise that when you vote in the same way for the same candidates – and things remain exactly the same next year – I will not laugh at your whines and snivels about government.

Term limits:


Do You Know CPR?

October 20th, 2014


“About 92 percent of sudden cardiac arrest victims die before reaching the hospital, but statistics prove that if more people knew CPR, more lives could be saved. Immediate CPR can double, or even triple, a victim’s chance of survival.”

How To Get Out Of Quicksand

October 20th, 2014

In old Black & White jungle movies, there were few ways to die more horribly than getting sucked under by quicksand. The poor moke would thrash about, scream bloodcurdling cries for help, and desperately try to pull himself out with one, skinny tree branch.  Then – snap, last scream, and “glub …”

I can think of many jungle deaths I would find even more distasteful – such as being shredded like tissue paper by tigers or getting slowly crushed like a rat by an Anaconda – but that’s just me.

So why were B&W film characters dropping like flies into countless pits of quicksand besides the drama?  The main reason was cost.  Before animation, quicksand deaths were fast and cheap to film on the back lots of Hollywood.

Quicksand is made up of water plus sand with the consistency of mud.  It has no magical, unexplainable sucking powers.  Your chances of surviving a quicksand dip depend on two things: depth and your ability to stay calm.

Depth should be obvious.  If you step into quicksand with a depth of 1-foot, all you’re going to get is a muddy shoe and sock. Next time, watch where you’re walking, dolt. If you step into a pool over your head, you may have problems.

The human body can easily float on water. Quicksand is denser than water which means you can more easily float on it. The key is not to panic. The people who drown are those who freak out and begin flailing their arms and legs.The more you struggle, the faster you’ll sink. If you just relax, your body will float and you can slowly breaststroke to shore – to be eaten by the tigers and snakes.


‘The Graduate’ (1967) Trailer

October 20th, 2014

Do you like ‘trailers’ as much as I do?  If you do, type trailer into my search box.