(Rome) In a stunning reversal of thousands of years of traditional Catholic doctrine and teachings, Pope Francis announced yesterday that “artificial contraception is permissible within the confines of a loving, monogamous Catholic marriage.”
Thousand of Church scholars in the Vatican and across the world were shocked at the news. “In one stroke, His Holiness has rocketed the Catholic Church into the 21st Century!” said Bishop Vincento Araballoni, Prefect for the Doctrine of the Faith, an important member of the Roman Curiacoitus.
In a long “Paperio de Papal,” the Pope cited a number of reasons for his historic decision such as “Catholics should be free to enjoy without guilt the loving pleasures of this life without the fear of additional children nor going into the confessional every time they consummate their carnal, natural-animal instincts.” The Holy Successor to Saint Peter (THSTSP) also believes a “surplus of Catholics is not equal to the best number of good Catholics.”
In a personal reflection, the Pope smiled when he mentioned a high school “sweetheart” Maria Fernolio, with whom he grew up in Argentina. “Somehow I knew even then, our bonding behind the soccer field house was in accordance with God’s redemptive love.”
When reached for comment, Ms. Fernolio was said to be ‘stunned’ according to her husband. He refused to answer any other questions.