Pope Approves ‘Limited’ Birth Control

April 1st, 2015


(Rome) In a stunning reversal of thousands of years of traditional Catholic doctrine and teachings, Pope Francis announced yesterday that “artificial contraception is permissible within the confines of a loving, monogamous Catholic marriage.”

Thousand of Church scholars in the Vatican and across the world were shocked at the news. “In one stroke, His Holiness has rocketed the Catholic Church into the 21st Century!” said Bishop Vincento Araballoni, Prefect for the Doctrine of the Faith, an important member of the Roman Curiacoitus.

In a long “Paperio de Papal,” the Pope cited a number of reasons for his historic decision such as “Catholics should be free to enjoy without guilt the loving pleasures of this life without the fear of additional children nor going into the confessional every time they consummate their carnal, natural-animal instincts.” The Holy Successor to Saint Peter (THSTSP) also believes a “surplus of Catholics is not equal to the best number of good Catholics.”

In a personal reflection, the Pope smiled when he mentioned a high school “sweetheart” Maria Fernolio, with whom he grew up in Argentina. “Somehow I knew even then, our bonding behind the soccer field house was in accordance with God’s redemptive love.”

When reached for comment, Ms. Fernolio was said to be ‘stunned’ according to her husband.  He refused to answer any other questions.

Good Morning! April 1, 2015

April 1st, 2015



Bumper Spaghetti Crop Expected

April 1st, 2015

Today is April Fool’s Day  and things are looking bleak. Does anyone (besides me) have fun anymore? When was the last time you had a good belly laugh? Look, I know the country’s going to hell, you’re probably going to lose your job, we have three friggin’ wars going, your kids are going to college on your dime and majoring in “Disappointing Mom & Dad”, Elvis is dead and you’re not feeling all that well yourself – but for crissakes, LIGHTEN UP. Your life today is not a dress rehearsal – this is it!

Britain always had a better sense of ‘humour’ than America. On April 1, 1957, the BBC reported a bumper crop of Spaghetti because of a mild winter and better control of the feared ‘pasta weevil’. They even showed footage of peasants happily picking ripe spaghetti from the trees.

The network was shocked at the response. Thousands of Brits jammed its phone lines asking how they could grow their own “Spaghetti Trees”! “Keeping a stiff upper lip” (in other words, not laughing it’s ass off) the BBC diplomatically delivered this answer:

“Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

The BEST April Fool’s Day Pranks – click here.

Add PAC-MAN To Your Town!

April 1st, 2015

PAC-MAN-GOOGLETo celebrate April Fool’s Day, GOOGLE MAPS has brought PAC-MAN to your vicinity. Really!  This is not an April Fool’s joke.  Go to http://www.GoogleMaps.com.  Choose the little  Pac-Man option in the bottom left of the screen.  Run in your own streets to chase Blinky and friends by using the arrow keys on your keyboard.  Millions of hours will be wasted on this today all around the world!

The Hair Apparant

March 31st, 2015


Kim Jong Un’s haircut:   https://www.google.com

Funke Becomes A Flunky

March 31st, 2015


The New York State Assembly passed our annual budget recently and the usual amount of pork was oinked in.  Newly-elected State Senator Rich Funke voted for it. Remember what he said when he ran 4-months ago?

“I’m certainly not a politician. I’ll let you know exactly where I stand on issues.”

I responded: 

“Let’s face it Funke, when you get to Albany, you’ll dance to the same old tune.”

‘Just Another Bland Politician’Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion, October 4, 2014

The budget contained one proposal that gave a tax exemption for luxury yachts and private planes over $230,000.  If the average taxpayer managed to scrape together $1000 to buy an old rowboat, he’d pay about $100 in taxes and fees. A yacht worth a quarter of a million dollars?  No charge. 

Just one more politician doing the same old shit.  To get along, go along.  Just like I said.

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With Small Pistol

March 31st, 2015

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words:

“While out hiking in Missoula, Montana, with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire, I would not be here today!  I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.  It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  I love that pistol.  I’ll find other boyfriends.”

Other methods/www.google.com/

Thanks, Gary

No – It’s Not “O-Taaay!”

March 31st, 2015

Remember Buckwheat? William Thomas was the young actor who played the character in “The Little Rascals. ” He was famous for a few years – and then took a dive into oblivion.  What happened to him?

ABC’s respected investigative reporting show, 20/20,  decided to find out. In October, 1990, the show claimed it had tracked down Buckwheat to Tempe, Arizona where, sadly, he worked as a grocery bagger. In the televised interview, ‘Buckwheat’ told his sad tale and many viewers felt sorry for him. Some sent money.

It was a great ‘riches-to-rags’ story except for one thing: the real Buckwheat, William Thomas, died over 10-years before the 20/20 show. His IMPOSTOR, Bill English, pretended to be Buckwheat for over 30-years! Uh, oh.

Within a week, a red-faced ABC admitted its mistake, fired the producer of the piece – and was sued by the child star’s son.

William Thomas wouldn’t have liked any of this. He was a quiet, modest man, who worked for many years in Hollywood as a film lab technician. And he never could understand the nostalgia that was making famous, once again, the ‘Rascals” series which made him a fleeting star.

Nonetheless, in 1980, Mr. Thomas reluctantly accepted an invitation to a ‘Nostalgia TV’ convention. He doubted many people would even remember the show – much less what he considered his minor contribution. He was wrong. Even before his introduction was finished, the audience burst into a spontaneous, loud and long, standing ovation which moved him to tears. It was Buckwheat’s last shining moment. Just three months later, Mr. William Thomas dropped dead of a heart attack. He was 49.

Buckwheat clips:  https://www.youtube.com/

Glad You Could Come, Lindsay, But …

March 31st, 2015

Liferule #6:  “Everything before the ‘but’ is bullshit.”

Today Is Vincent Van Gogh’s Birthday …

March 30th, 2015

… and Guess Where He Wanted To Go?

Read about the Dutch post-Impressionist painter here: google.com